There are several phrases you don’t want to hear uttered from a Doctor, high on my personal list is the phrase “Mr Smith, we seem to have caused a pneumathorax removing your chest drain”. “Bloody marvellous” I thought, has all the makings of an extra few days in hospital. As it happened it meant an extra 3, Friday, Saturday and Sunday! He compounded his error by going on to say “hmm, this is always a risk in these situations”. As I looked on the floor for what was left of my respect for the man I suggested that it might have been an idea to inform me before he removed it. On the upside, I did get to watch the opening MotoGP of the season and the weekends Six Nations Rugby in peace.
The upshot of the extended stay meant that my case was referred to a consultant surgeon who reviewed my case and saw me on the Monday rather than me having to attend as an outpatient the following week. I have referred to this man as “Dr Doom” on account of his brutally frank bedside manner. I was warned of this by one of the junior Dr’s (not Dr Pneumathorax fortunately) but it was still a shock as to quite how brutal his frankness was. Dr Doom did for the bedside manner what the National Front do for race relations. Now I am not a guy who minces his words and have been known to offend the odd sensitive sole but this guy had all the subtlety of a JCB planting carrots!
I went to his office and sat down after being ushered in and we went through some provisional questions about lifestyle. After these questions, I expected him to come out with “So why do you want this job Mr Smith?” as the meeting had all the hallmarks of an awkward job interview. The following few minutes conversation will remain permanently etched on my memory, the exchange went along the lines of:-
DD “We have found something on your CT scan that concerns use”
Me “Like what”
DD “We are not sure”
Me “You are sure enough to be concerned so you must have your suspicions?”
DD “We need to do some more tests and a biopsy”
Me “A biopsy? What are you looking for?”
DD “Malignancy”
Me “What do you mean, Malignancy?”
DD “You probably have cancer”
The conversation continued in a similar vein for a couple more mins before I was told to come back in a few days for the necessary tests and told there was nothing more they could tell me. I was numb, all sorts of thoughts were going my head and top of the list was “shit, I’m going to die, what’ll I tell the wife?”
